Everything I Love About Rivals

Never fuck a Tory, unless it’s Rupert Campbell-Black.

Like everyone else in the world, I had an absolutely excellent time watching Rivals. It’s eight episodes of truly gas shenanigans¹, and I simply could not get enough of Rutshire, the posh town where everyone is riding all the time, or Corinium, the production company where everyone is riding all the time, or the big gorgeous old houses where serious introspection and honest discussion happen. No wait, where everyone is riding all the time!

There’s so many funny fictional things to enjoy in it, like the Four Men Went to Mow silliness, or the concept of a Tory MP with a heart of gold. I mean, where would you get it! Jilly Cooper, truly a certified full-time gas bitch. It’s just so fucking bawdy and fun, and honestly kinda perfect television. I’ve never read any Jilly Cooper, which is something I’m working on fixing, as I have library holds on Riders and Rivals, although so does everyone else in the country so it’s taking ages to get my hands on them. Hurry up, ladies!!

So while I’m waiting to get stuck into the books, here are some of my favourite things about the TV version of Rivals:

• The Eighties fashion. I am so happy that they didn’t do that thing where it’s like an Eighties-but-actually-cool spin on the costuming, oh no. As soon as I saw Mousey Jones at that garden party looking like Debbie McGee spat her out I was THRILLED. More than one dress in this show looks exactly like the knock-off outfits I used to save up to buy for my Barbies in 1990 and I couldn’t be happier about it.

• The way Danny Dyer says the word ‘girl’.

• The hilariously-named Tony Baddingham, constantly seething with rage. Landing on his huge lawn in a helicopter to ZZ Top’s Gimme All Your Lovin’, I mean come on now. His wife Monica declaring “Daddy’s home”?? YEAH HE FUCKIN IS. Look, it’s very basic Tumblr girlie of me but I’ve been weak for David Tennant since 2005, and him swishing around the place threatening people and being a horrible bastard with his big cigars is all a bit UH OH and also someone better stop me from hopping onto Ao3 and making an absolute show of myself, please.

• Emily Atack being so fucking gorgeous! All the Eighties styling and dresses and hair just suit her so well and she’s such a delight in this silly show!

• The fun progression of going from “oh ew, no Taggie, don’t ride Rupert, he’s so much older than you’ in episode one to ‘uh oh it’s a bit hot when he calls her Angel though innit’ to ‘if they don’t AT LEAST kiss by the end of this thing I will SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM.’

• Everyone being suuuch a cuuuuunt.

• The fact that so many people’s teeth are just very slightly wonky. It’s lovely! Normal human teeth! Who would have thought that such a thing would feel like a rarity! I’m sure it’s not a damning indictment of beauty standards or the current media landscape at all!

• Rupert’s big face. He’s like a cross between Dominic West and Hugh Grant via the Handsome Squidward filter. He’s great.

• Aidan Turner’s accent. Look, is it a tad hammy in places? Yes. However, we had just finished catching up on Only Murders In The Building before jumping into Rivals, and after the absolutely unprovoked attack that was Paul Rudd’s Irish accent (and that fucking nurse too), Declan O’Hara was a relief as welcome as getting into pyjamas that were warmed on the radiator, or taking your bra off at the end of the day. More Irish people getting to be Irish in big shiny expensive shows please! Which brings us to…

• Victoria Smurfit and her cheekbones. Maud O’Hara is horny to the point of being completely unhinged, and pretty mean to her daughters, but arriving at her New Year’s Eve party atop a camel? Okay, Bianca Jagger! The bitch can nail an entrance.

• Freddy and Lizzie! Every one of their interactions absolutely fizz with charm and their palpable delight at getting to hang out with someone you like and fancy and who fancies you too and my god I have never rooted harder for two people to cheat on their spouses.

• Everyone smoking fags all the time. It would be simply disingenuous not to have everyone smoking constantly in 1986 and I appreciate that they committed to it! The pub scenes with all that yellow light through a haze of smoke felt viscerally accurate and I kinda wanted to jump in and have a pint with everyone even though my hair and all my clothes would stink the next day.

• The fact that after eight episodes I still don’t really know what the fuck the franchise is, and great news! It doesn’t matter! Who cares! All that matters is those sweet Venturer t-shirts that the Declan-Rupert-Freddy team wear that I have not been able to find anywhere online despite how desperately I need one. Must I do everything myself??

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  Parish notes:

• The Penguin is really good, like so much better than I thought it would be, considering I had absolutely zero interest in The Batman. I like my Batman (Batmen?) fun, colourful and preferably not starring Christian Bale. And even though The Batman hit one of those markers I simply refuse to sit through three hours of Rob Pattinson being emo with nary a primary colour in sight. But The Penguin got me, and a lot of it is down to Cristin Milioti being so fantastic in it as deranged mob daughter (and rightly so! Good for her!) Sofia Falcone. Colin Farrell is smothered in prosthetics but they’re very well done and not actually distracting in fairness as you do just forget it’s him. However, there’s definitely something a bit off about casting a handsome man and putting him under six hours worth of makeup instead of just casting a character actor who’s maybe not traditionally good looking. Is it that we’re just at the point now where there are no more James Gandolfini types so we have to make fake ones instead? Because interesting faces are something that a lot of films simply don’t have anymore. And this is nothing against Farreller who as we all know is sound out and a great lad altogether. But you get what I mean. Stick on literally any film from pre-2002 and it’s like ah yes, faces! Good faces!!

• People magazine naming noted CIA fan John Krasinski as the Sexiest Man Alive has already been thoroughly and rightly mocked but also it is objectively insane to reach that (potentially paid-for?) conclusion when Amar Chadha-Patel is among us.

  

  The Decameron didn’t get enough love when it came out and his turn as Dioneo was so good and so funny. The man genuinely looks like he wandered off the cover of an old timey romance novel for god’s sake. When that forthcoming Wuthering Heights was announced (and oh boy I can’t wait for the discourse that one will bring about) he was the first person I thought of, an almost comedically obvious choice imo. But Emerald had other, more Australian ideas, and hey what do I know!

• I saw Gladiator II and, unsurprisingly, had a great time. It’s like fan fiction for the first film and I mean that as a compliment. Also, it turns out that Roman Empire Pedro Pascal is in fact my Roman Empire.

• I recently moved all my Fifty Shades of Grey posts over from my now-defunct old blog, there’s loads of them and it took fuckin’ ages, so if you think you’d enjoy some very annoyed, very 2012-style recap posts about that awful trilogy, well, here you go.

1. Although episode 5 does have a very dark and un-gas bit, fair warning.