The many ways I would have died in Sinners

I'd be so dead. Like, super dead.

Spoilers abound! And I really think going into Sinners knowing as little as possible is the ideal way to see it. Also when you do go see it, stay for the credits!

At the risk of sounding like Stefon from SNL, lads, Sinners. Has. Everything. Michael B. Jordan going full Lohan¹ as charismatic gangster twins, stunning musical numbers, Southern gothic occultism, surprise Irish bangers, AND vampires? It is one of my favourite things I’ve seen in the cinema in a long time and has really gotten under my skin. It’s layered and juicy and funny and exhilarating and sexy!

There’s so many little corners of the film to dig into and so many details that would easily sustain their own limited series or a whole other film, but on the other hand I don’t know if I actually want that! Because my god how refreshing to see an original story in an IP-poisoned cinema landscape! But the Native American vampire hunters? Amazing! Remmick’s Irish origins? I’m trying hard to resist the idea of a prequel about him back here in Ireland terrorising famine-era landlords or fucking up some Black and Tans tbqh! Smoke and Stack playing the Italian and Irish gangs off each other back in Chicago with Al Capone in the mix, before pulling off their big heist? Tell me EVERYTHING.

But back to the day and night that the film sprawls over, the story simmering until it all boils over into a 1930’s Deep South From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. Because there are so many times those vampires would have gotten my ass. Which I will now share.

Times I would have died in Sinners:

• When freshly turned Chinese-American shopkeeper Bo Chow is trying to trick his wife Grace into coming outside, saying he has the car ready for their getaway. I’d have been out the gap and in that passenger seat, neck bared and ready for biting because fuck. I mean. Come on, now. Alexa, play You Can Be the Boss by Lana Del Rey.

  

  Respectfully, hellooooooo Mr. Chow

• When the vampire trio sang their little song about the robin. It was cute! It was a folky lil bop! I’d be like ‘Nice, what else have you got!’ then BAM, EATEN.

• The literal second Remmick started singing Rocky Road to Dublin. That song is a certified banger, it’s the type of tune that gets the blood up, has me ready to fight English soldiers and start running guns off the coast of Waterford, it’s actually unreasonable. And the way Jack O’Connell performs it, starting slow and then building to a frenzy with the mob of vampires had me fit to BURST. The ferocity that they were hitting the “hunt the hare” line with would’ve had me over there in a heartbeat like LET’S FUCKING GO MO CHAIRDE! It was so gorgeous and sinister and visceral and god it looked like so much fun. And honestly, how lovely to see Irish dancing portrayed in a way that didn’t make a joke out of it for once! Remmick busting out his haon-dó-trí wasn’t a punchline, it was giving dancing at the crossroads, hiding from the Brits, hedge schools and a time of trying to keep our culture alive under a brutal colonial oppressor! This never happens! Everyone say thank you, Ryan Coogler! It worked so beautifully as a companion scene to the transcendent blues sequence in the juke joint, I love this idea of music as a magic spell and I’d have been so super dead once they got going. No ragrets. (Also shout out to Jack’s solid Irish accent while singing, the wheels came off a bit when he was reciting the Our Father towards the end of the film, but the singing accent? Very nicely done!)

  

  Maith thú!

• As soon as the big fight broke out. When poor, brave Grace summoned the vampires in a fury and they poured through the doors of the mill in attack mode, I’d have been one of the first to go. I’ve managed to hurt my hand by turning a door handle a bit wrong, I’ve got a banjaxed ankle that’ll sprain if you look at it funny, and I bruise like a peach. The second that it all kicked off and glass was being shattered, wood was splintering and bodies were flying, your girl would be gone, dead, ate.

• The mere fact that it’s set in 1932 would also do me in. The first successful kidney transplant didn’t happen until 1954 so I’d most likely be dead from renal failure well before the events of the film, which would have saved me a lot of trouble, in fairness.

1. I think it’s only fair that the act of playing twins should be named after Lindsay, considering she’s done it twice.