First things first, of COURSE this film is not good. Come on now, that was never part of the deal! Do you think I watched A Christmas Prince 1, 2 and 3, The Princess Switch 1, 2 and 3 and Lindsay’s other Netflix film Falling For Christmas because they’re GOOD? Of course not! We’re not here for GOOD. Be serious! We’re here for colourful trash and expecting anything else is a fool’s errand! If you came away from this film declaring things like, “it’s awful shite”, “the worst thing I’ve ever seen” or “I turned it off after ten minutes”, well that’s on you because I thought it was pretty clear that there is a tacit agreement that these vaguely seasonal Netflix films are SUPPOSED to be filled with ropey dialogue, riddled with plot holes and devoid of any logic. That’s the FUN of it! Spoilers abound!
We first meet Lindsay, aka Maddie Kelly (but I’m just going to call her Lindsay) en route to the launch of the book she edited. It’s a swanky party in the Clarence in Temple Bar — sorry, a venue in New Yhork Citaaay1. Honestly, the giddy joy of seeing Lindsay Lohan hopping out of a yellow taxi with a Wowburger sign behind her lovely glossy head is something else. Also, a moment please for how good Lindz looks! Her hair is GORGEOUS, she looks GREAT and I love to see her doing well. The early 2000s were not a good time for young women in the spotlight! I’m so glad she eventually made it out the other side of it all and let’s face it, her club brat antics were iconic. Something I’ve noticed in a few of the reviews and critiques of this film is that few people can seem to spell Lindsay’s name properly. Put some respect on a noughties luminary, you fucks!
Editor Lindsay is besotted with Paul Kennedy, the author she has been working with and who is referred to as Paul Kennedy at all times. It’s very funny and in fairness, some people’s names do lend themselves to being said in full. My friend Síle Kelly is never just Síle, she’s always Síle Kelly. I think everyone knows someone that they refer to as Firstname Lastname, but Paul Kennedy? I just don’t think Paul Kennedy is one of those names. Paul Kennedy. Maybe I’m wrong.
Also, if you were worried about having to endure terrible Irish accents in this film, I have great news! Jane Seymour as Lindsay’s mam has a nicely done and very subtle Irish accent for absolutely no reason. She’s a high school principal in Des Moines and the Kellys being Irish American is literally never mentioned so it’s got nothing to do with the plot. (Maybe this is just how Jane talks now considering she spends so much time here?) One of the love interests is English (this is the only time this has ever been good news) and the other is a Welshman who was hit on the head at some point and that’s why he talks like that. I assume.
Anyway, to Lindsay’s dismay, her friend Emma immediately hits it off with Paul Kennedy at the book party, we flash forward in time and Lindsay is flying into Knock Airport to attend the couple’s wedding in Ireland. She briefly meets an English photographer called James when she mistakes her luggage for his and again when they end up sitting across from each other on a bus that has emerged from the 1950s. On their journey through time and space, they engage in some spiky banter because he thinks Paul Kennedy’s writing is shite. Also, when Lindsay climbs aboard the bus, she asks the driver if he can take her to an address that she shows him on her phone, even though that’s not how buses work.
Lindsay reaches her destination and now has to endure watching Emma and Paul Kennedy being all loved up while they frolic around Kennedy House, the ancestral home of the Mayo Kennedys. Some people have pointed out that it’s inconsistent for Paul Kennedy’s parents to have English accents but we all know that the Big Houses in Ireland are owned by posh Brits so that’s one of the few things that actually does check out in this film. However, his brother (inexplicably named Kory) has a Nordie accent which is harder to explain. A secret Donegal boarding school for the children of elite landowners, perhaps?
Linsday settles into her giant room, trips over some things and almost smashes a priceless heirloom from Carraig Donn. Paul Kennedy’s mother hates her. Either because she’s single or because of the clumsiness, it’s not clear which. The whole gang go for a picnic and boat ride, (“This bridge was used by the Vikings!” hahaha oh my god, shut up Kory) but Lindsay wanders off on a walk to be alone for a while so she can feel sad about Paul Kennedy in some nice scenery. A stone seat under a cherry blossom tree draws her attention, she sits down with a sigh and wishes that she was the one marrying Paul Kennedy.
ENTER SAINT FUCKING BRIGID.
That’s right, the mystical wish-granter of this tale is none other than Saint Brigid herself and the scream I scrumpt when I learned that this was the case. Is this the first time Saint Brigid has appeared in a feature film? And in a Lindsay Lohan vehicle no less! What a time to be alive. In case anyone thinks I’m being facetious here, I genuinely can’t stress enough how much I love the fact that Saint Brigid is in this. The fact that she’s played by the winner of the Lovely Girls Competition from Father Ted is just a cherry on top, and a truly inspired Irish pop culture deep cut, it is PERFECTION. (And Dawn Bradfield has not aged a single day wtf.)
Anyway, this iteration of our national saint has seemingly taken a break from her usual gigs performing abortions, tricking the King of Leinster, and generally being a fucking legend and has taken to granting wishes in the Mayo countryside. But not just any old wishes, ohoho no. You see, Brigid seems to operate on leprechaun wish logic, and therefore the wish you make might not be exactly what you wanted, but it turns out it will be what you actually need. Oh those tricksy fifth century saints and/or ancient Celtic goddesses!
Cut to Lindsay waking up in a new reality where she IS indeed the one who is marrying Paul Kennedy, and as such finds him in her guest room shower, in the nip! Part of this discovery sees her pulling a crumpled wedding dress out of a suitcase in disbelief, and while her confusion is directed at this whole new Brigid-magic situation, mine is at the fact that this wedding dress wasn’t hung up IMMEDIATELY upon arrival. She then seems to spend all her time in this new reality running away from Paul Kennedy despite having had a huge crush on him for the last year and a half. But we also learn that Paul Kennedy is a bit of a dose. He’s not very nice to his new-reality fiancée and it quickly becomes clear that he’s actually an inconsiderate dickhead.
Now that Lindsay is the bride-to-be, Paul’s mother insists that she wear the family wedding dress, a vintage Lanvin that everybody hates for some reason, even though it is an absolutely beautiful gown! It’s giving Grace Kelly! And crucially, it’s miles better than the piece of shit from Zara that was mashed into a suitcase for a transatlantic flight and left there for hours on end. It’s the best outfit in this entire film by quite a stretch. Because let me tell you, Lindsay’s outfits in this are truly terrible, and I can excuse a lot of things when it comes to these films. Her friend Heather scrolling through pages of fuckable men on the dating apps while in Mayo? Sure, why not. Going for a quick jaunt to the Cliffs of Moher from Westport? Go for it, it’s better geography than Leap Year and actually feasible although you’d be driving for about three hours each way. But whoever styled Lindsay for this role should be booted down Croagh Patrick for what they dressed her in. Each outfit was worse than the last and there was SO MUCH plaid! She mentions a favourite plaid skirt early on and it turns out to have been foreshadowing because this girl has packed an entire suitcase with nothing but plaid outfits and ugly fucking belts (and a janky wedding dress full of wrinkles. Okay I’ll stop now.)
Thanks to a series of Westport-based events facilitated by St Brigid in knockoff Orla Kiely, James is hired as the photographer for the wedding, and he and Lindsay end up spending a lot of time together. Much has been made of the moment that sees them standing at the aforementioned Cliffs of Moher when Linsday says she feels like she stepped into a James Joyce novel, but you know what, I’ve never read any Joyce, so what the fuck do I know! Also, that wouldn’t even be in the top 100 silliest things Americans have said when in Ireland. Not even close! I’ve met Americans who were genuinely shocked to discover that we have Mexican restaurants here and others who inexplicably pronounced leprechauns as le-pree-shans. Make your Joyce references all you want, Lindsay!
As the wedding draws closer, Lindsay’s mother is planning to catch her flight to Ireland, but St Brigid keeps interfering for… reasons! I’m not sure how preventing her mother from coming to the wedding will make Lindsay see that Paul is wrong for her, because it really feels like Jane Seymour would arrive on the scene, take one look at how useless Paul Kennedy is and how mean his mother is and be like, “Are you absolutely sure about this, love? Because these people are a shower of shitebags.” But anyway, Brigid messes with Jane Seymour’s alarm clock so she misses her flight, then as she’s rushing through the airport after a gate change, Brigid trips her up and BREAKS HER FUCKING LEG. Saint Brigid just broke a woman’s leg!!! I don’t think enough has been made of this incident, to be perfectly honest. Saint Brigid is running around doing GBH for the lols, she’s just such a scamp, you guys!
While Lindsay is falling for Paul, (helped along by a night spent in a pub playing darts and dancing at a trad session where the musicians have cosplayed as the steerage party full of Paddies in Titanic) she sees that there’s a vibe between Emma and Paul Kennedy in this reality too. The night before the wedding, she spots a very suspect interaction between them out on a patio after the rehearsal dinner. (You know, the thing that has literally never happened as part of an Irish wedding.) Lindsay has a fight with James that involves a line about endangered Bolivian tree lizards that belongs in the pantheon of iconic nonsense alongside the one about researching spiders in the Amazon from Madame Web. Honestly fair play to Ed Speelers for delivering it with a straight face. Later that night, Lindsay gets an email from Paul Kennedy in which he has written both of their vows and the subject line is “WEDDING VOWS by Paul Kennedy.” Incredible.
It’s the day of the wedding but Lindsay is miserable because her supposedly beloved Paul Kennedy doesn’t know her at all and she’s got the hots for James, who DOES know her after hanging out together for A Day. When she’s supposed to walk down the aisle in the one good dress in this film, Lindsay turns up in yet another plaid abomination to call the whole thing off. She refers to Paul Kennedy as a great guy and a great writer although we’ve spent the whole film learning that that is in fact not the case and that his newest book was only any good because of Lindsay’s extensive editing and guidance. When the whole thing devolves into a big row, Lindsay points out that Emma and Paul Kennedy have feelings for each other, Paul says Emma is irrelevant, which rightly enrages Emma, who gives him a slap (or did I imagine her throwing digs in my remembering of it?) and storms out, leaving Paul Kennedy with no one. Good for you, Emma!
Lindsay manages to un-wish her wish now that she’s seen the error of her ways and wakes up back in the reality where she is but a bridesmaid, in an ugly green dress with a horrible matching bolero because Emma hates her friends. The wedding goes off without a hitch but does not feel like a happy ending for Emma. Paul Kennedy sucks! Divorce that man and take all his money!
Lindsay tracks James down in Westport with the help of barman Scruffy Murphy, the only person in this film to whom the words Italia 90 would mean anything. She finds James waiting for the time travelling bus and they get together, although all the falling for each other stuff hasn’t actually happened for him, but by now everyone has stopped caring about logic so it’s fine! We end with them at the Cliffs of Moher again but also for the first time. Also Paul Kennedy calls the cliffs a tourist trap earlier in the film which is very funny. Natural geographic beauty is sooo tacky.
I had a blast watching this and I for one would love to see the SBCU (Saint Brigid Cinematic Universe) where she takes on all the romcom tropes. Saint Brigid nudges two people into a fake relationship at the Matchmaking Festival in Lisdoonvarna, but guess what! They fall for each other for real! Saint Brigid helps some enemies become lovers on a trip along the Wild Atlantic Way, they get to the hotel and there’s… (say it with me!) only! one! bed! Saint Brigid takes on forbidden love, when a girl from Cork falls for a guy from… not-Cork! The possibilities, lads! Netflix, call me!
Other things I’ve watched recently:
I was down home for a weekend and ended up watching Fist of Fury with dad when it came on one of the movie channels. I’d never actually seen an entire Bruce Lee film before and guys guess what, it’s great fun. ALSO, breaking news here but Bruce Lee? Very hot! He’s one of those people so deeply embedded in media and culture that you get so used to their face you stop actually taking it in properly. Like Elvis, or Pope John Paul II.
I also watched Anyone But You and was surprised and delighted at how funny it is! My only quibble was that Sydney Sweeney’s bikini tops didn’t fit her properly and were super high on her back which stressed me out. It seems that the wardrobe department didn’t quite know what to do with a tiny woman with a big rack. Anyway, she plays a nun in her next film so imagine bikinis won’t be an issue in that one.
Matt Berry’s pronunciation is the only way to say this now.
This review was a PLEASURE and utter DELIGHT to read and i agreed with EVERY SINGLE WORD 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
“Scruffy Murphy, the only person in this film to whom the words Italia 90 would mean anything”
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