Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 6)
Ana graduates somehow.
So, after Christian turned up unsolicited at Ana's door in a frightening display of controlling and unhinged behaviour and rode her, he fucks away off home. As soon as he leaves, Ana starts crying because she wishes she could have a regular relationship with Christian, instead of one that needs a contract and involves flogging and punishment. So she decides to move on with her life, get a job and change her identity to escape from evil Christian and his unnerving ways.
No, of course she doesn't.
She bangs on about how she's "reminded once more of Icarus soaring too close to the Sun", (a metaphor she trots out five times in total throughout this book because it's so profound and meaningful 'n shit) and sobs to Kate about Christian using sex as a weapon. Instead of telling Ana to cut her losses and run the fuck away from him, Kate reasons that he has commitment issues.
Ana then shovels some coal into "fires up" the laptop to find an email from Christian, to which she replies with a big long list of issues she has with the contract. Then he shouts at her through the medium of the caps lock key, telling her to go to bed and I tell him to fuck off like he can hear me.
The next day, Christian emails her again and three pages later all they've done is email back and forth bickering over the definition of the word submissive and whether or not she's "allowed" to drive herself to his hotel (I've got a big bag of FUCK YOU with Christian's name all over it) to meet him for their date the following evening. It's like eavesdropping on the most tedious conversation of all time.
While Ana is at work the next day, Paul, her boss's son pesters her ALL DAY for a date, which is insane because Ana is completely devoid of personality and yet every dude she knows so far has been trying their hardest to get off with her. She must be pants-burstingly hot, it's the only explanation.
Before meeting Christian, she gets ready for their date, borrowing a dress from Kate because apparently she doesn't even own ONE decent frock herself. In fact, I think she has borrowed clothes from Kate every time she has had some manner of date with Christian. Oh and then this line happens:
"I rarely wear make-up – it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up – maybe I’d know more about it if they had."
Oh just SHUT UP YOU INSUFFERABLE TWATBAG. Incessantly harping on about literary heroines and Tess of the d'Urbervilles DOES NOT make you interesting and quirky, it makes you an utter PAIN in the HOLE.
She meets Christian in the hotel bar, in a shock twist he starts interrogating her about whether she's hungry or if she has eaten anything that day. She admits to not having eaten all day and as much as I hate to side with Christian on this one, you actually DO have to fucking eat at some point during the day, otherwise that's getting awfully close to an eating disorder. He asks whether she wants to have dinner where they are or upstairs in his suite, to which she replies: “I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.” Fair enough, right? Check out what he says:
“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? This man is THE CREEPIEST character I have ever come across, in anything, ever. I can't begin to fathom how women worldwide are swooning over this potential sex offender. Christian Grey, romantic hero MY ARSE.
It turns out he booked a private dining room anyway, regardless of what her answer was going to be so I don't know why the fuck he bothered asking. He actually SAYS "no public" and I think to myself "HE MEANS NO WITNESSES! RUN AWAY! HE'S GOING TO MURDER YOU AND WEAR YOUR SKIN LIKE THAT GUY IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!"
He had already ordered for her (of course) and when her main course of cod arrives, says "I hope you like fish". To which I found myself thinking: Well it's not like you bothered to find out before ordering, fuckface. They go over some of her issues with the contract for a bit, there's more food haranguing and then he tries to convince her to have sex with him in the dining room. She says no and for once I'm not completely exasperated with her. She tells him she has a lot to consider and needs time to think. To which he replies:
"I could make you stay", he threatens.
Oh REALLY? Just you fucking try it then, because I believe that's called FALSE IMPRISONMENT, YOU FUCKING FUCK. He then goes on about how he thought she was a born submissive when he first met her, as she was "all yes sir, no sir", as apparently he's unfamiliar with basic fucking manners. She eventually gets around to leaving, but not before he has a chance to berate her for owning an old car.
He's appalled, APPALLED by the sight of an old VW Beetle, decides it's a "deathtrap" and as good as tells her he's going to buy her a car. Even though she's adamant that he does no such thing, flat out telling him "You are not buying me a car", we know he's going to anyway because he couldn't give a tiny floaty fuck what Ana actually wants.
As Ana drives away, she starts crying AGAIN. She gets home and "wakes up the mean machine" - or laptop to normal people - to find an email from Christian saying he doesn't understand why she ran off and asking her to trust him. Here's an idea then Christian, stop completely ignoring what she wants and threatening her when she doesn't want to do what you want her to, because those are the actions of an UNTRUSTWORTHY PIECE OF SHIT. The email sets her off crying even more and she feels like he thinks of her as a business deal. So they've barely started off this relationship and she's already spending a third of her time crying and feeling lousy because of stuff he has said and done. The fact that this is the exact opposite of the honeymoon phase still isn't enough of a clue for her to ditch the sociopath.
The next morning Ana wakes up from a sex dream about Christian and is amazed as she didn't know such a thing was possible and my eyes are in danger of rolling directly out of my head. It's graduation day for Ana and Kate, so Ana's stepfather Ray comes along (her mother couldn't go because her new husband fell and couldn't get up or something) and tells her she looks nice. "This is Kate's dress" I glance down at the grey chiffon halter neck dress. Jesus Christ woman, buy some fucking clothes.
Christian is giving a speech at the ceremony, because I suppose it's not every day you come across a self-made millionaire aged 27. Ana is sitting in the crowd of students awaiting their degrees and even though everyone is dressed identically in black caps and gowns, he spots her within seconds with his bionic grey eyes which are grey, in case you didn't know. When he stops looking at her she's all "Why isn't he looking at me?! What's WRONG!?" even though SECONDS BEFOREHAND she was trying to sink into her seat to avoid his gaze and saying how uncomfortable it made her. Make your fucking mind up.
His speech is all about how brilliant he is and his TOTES PHILANTHROPIC plan to feed the world (the speech seems kind of self-indulgent and has nothing to do with students who are about to graduate), dropping in a line where he says "I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry." Ana's jaw "falls to the floor" because, to be fair, pretty much everything amazes her anyway. She reasons that this secret past of his as a neglected child "explains a great deal", which is pretty insulting to members of the BDSM community. I don't know very much about it, but I'm pretty sure it's just a sexual preference rather than the product of an unhappy childhood.
Anyway, after the graduation, he summons her backstage and proceeds to steer her into an empty locker room so he can glare at her and demand to know why she didn't reply to his emails or texts, because it's not like she'd be fucking busy on the day of her graduation or anything. And anyway, he's supposed to be running a giant company and eradicating third world hunger like Bono or something, you'd think he'd have better things to do than stare at his phone waiting for a reply. Then he decides he wants to meet her stepfather, even though she says she'd rather he didn't, but again, what Ana wants doesn't matter.
She goes for a drink with her stepdad and Kate's brother comes along, scooping her up and twirling her around and next thing you know, Christian the fucking Dementor Grey is standing beside her, ready to suck all the fun out of the conversation and being all frosty eyed because a man that Ana knows had the temerity to touch her and he's a fucking obsessive crazy person. And breathe.
Kate then jumps in and introduces Christian to Ray as Ana's boyfriend, which kind of lands Ana in it and is a lousy thing to do really. At first Ray is a bit suspicious of Christian, but then they start talking about fishing. "His power knows no bounds", thinks Ana. Fishing is a superpower when you're as easily amazed as Anastasia Steele. Ray goes off to the jacks, so Christian immediately badgers her for an answer as to whether she'll go along with the contract and be his submissive or not. She says she wants more from him, as in, a regular relationship. He says he's not into that and then she just agrees to it anyway which makes no sense at all.
Christian calls over to her house that evening and when she answers the door, what follows is potentially the worst written sentence in the entire book. See if you can guess which one it is:
“Hi,” he says, and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire the pretty. Oh my, he’s hot in leather.
I take a moment to admire the FUCKING WHAT? The pretty? PRETTY IS NOT A NOUN. PRETTY IS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE. HOLY SHIT, EVEN TXTSPKING SCHOOLCHILDREN KNOW THIS. SOMEONE REMOVE SHARP OBJECTS FROM MY VICINITY BECAUSE IMMA GET STABBY UP IN HERE.
Ahem. I'm going to leave it here before I jam a pen in my eye from having to type out that fucking sentence.